Blended families are a common occurrence, but there has to be a way to deal with them with as little conflict as possible, right? We check in with Dr. Catherine Horvath, registered psychologist and Founder and Executive Director of the Ottawa Center for Resilience to learn valuable tips when it comes to the do’s and don’ts of blended families.
The full conversation with Dr. Horvath can be found on the IP360° podcast.
IP360°: How do you handle the initial shock of learning your former partner has started dating other people and manage the introduction to your children?
Dr. Horvath: This relates back to one of the things we talked about in our previous episode about including each other as co-parents in decisions. Introducing your children to a new partner is a pretty major parenting decision and is one that should be discussed together beforehand.
Not that you’re asking for permission; you have made a decision that this is a person you want to be spending more serious time with, and you want them to know your kids.
It is important to reach out to the other parent and say, “Hey, I have someone I want the kids to meet, let’s talk about how to do this.” I recognize that doesn’t always happen, but it’s the ideal. It allows the other parent to have the information and have their own personal reactions as the ex, before they are having to support their kid’s reaction. It’s really important to not blindside your co-parent and then have them have to deal with their own reaction at the same time that their kids are reacting.
IP360°: What if this new partner also comes with children of their own? Should that be a group introduction? Or should the first introduction be the new partner alone?
Dr. Horvath: Generally, it would make sense to introduce just the other adult, and give the kids a bit of a chance to check that person out before the next step. But you could ask your kids what they’d like to do. You could let them know, “I’ve started dating someone, or I have a new boyfriend or girlfriend. I’d really like you to meet them, they also have their own children. How do you want to do this? What do you feel comfortable with?”
When you have to ask kids to make some of these really tough decisions that are outside of normal experience, it’s helpful to give them a menu of options. Letting them know some of the ways this meeting could work by saying they could just come by and say hi for five minutes and then leave, or we could go to the park together, or they could come over for dinner.
IP360°: Is there any research or information on how a child is going to react emotionally to these blended family interactions?
Dr. Horvath: We do know that children eight years old or younger have an easier time transitioning into step-families and blended families, and boys tend to have an easier time than girls.
IP360°: How do you balance the early stages of a relationship when you have a child to consider as well?
Dr. Horvath: It’s important to ensure that all the kids have guarded individual time with their biological parents so they don’t feel like they’re losing their parents, because of all these new relationships. You never want them to feel like that relationship is being threatened. That connection is going to help them have a secure base to navigate some of these new experiences, feelings, and frustrations.
For adults who were in a marriage, they weren’t very happy, and maybe they’ve actually been single for a long time, and now they’re in a new romantic relationship. That tends to be a pretty intense time. While you really want to spend a lot of time with that person, you need to keep in mind that your kids aren’t in that place. You really need to put them in their needs first. While you might want to get together with your new partner every time the kids are with you, your kids are not probably going to want that.
IP360°: How do you cope with children who are having a hard time adjusting to the new people in their lives, whether it’s the partner or the partner’s children?
Dr. Horvath: Ultimately, your decision about who you’re in a relationship with is your decision, it’s an adult decision. It’s not your child’s decision who you are in a relationship with. However, your child’s experience and feelings matter and you should be taking them into consideration. You need to let your kid know that you hear them and you’re listening to them, but it will ultimately be your decision.
Maybe you’ll need to focus on creating opportunities for the two sets of children to get to know each other better, but also you don’t have to force it. You can say, “You know what, it’s okay you don’t all need to be best buddies. You are all important to us and we will respect your boundaries and give you space.”
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IP360°: When you’re actually starting the process of cohabitating and things start to become a blended family, what are some of the sort of pitfalls we should be watching for?
Dr. Horvath: One of the most important things and that often gets missed is that the biological parents should be the ones parenting and disciplining their biological children, not their stepchildren, for quite a while. Eventually, the step parent may be able to take on more of a parental role, but they should not start like that right off the bat.
It’s almost universal that when step parents join a family they want to set more limits and boundaries with the stepchildren. They feel like the original parent is letting those kids run wild and they want to come in and fix it by putting new rules in place. The goal is not to get to a place where the biological parent and step parent feel the same way, because you probably won’t. It’s more important to take a breath, slow down, and try to understand each other. The most important thing is that parents retain the disciplinary role until the step parent has formed a caring trusting relationship with the stepchild.
IP360°: Is there ever trouble adjusting for the parent when their new partner might end up as the favourite because they’re not responsible for discipline? Can that cause friction or internal struggle for the biological parent?
Dr. Horvath: Absolutely. You just need to remind yourself that this is the best case scenario. Kids do best when they have positive relationships with all the adults in their lives. Instead think of it as “how cool that my kid has this additional adult in their life who they have a positive relationship with.”
The more positive relationships kids have the better. You have to find your support out of the eyes of your children, because you are going to sometimes feel like you’re the one who gets stuck with all the crappy parenting parts while they get to be the cool step parent. But it is what it is, and you have to resist the urge to undo that because it’s really good for your kids.
Forming a step family is not an event, it’s a process. It never really ends. You’re doing really well if you’re having those pre emptive conversations, but you also need to understand that having those conversations doesn’t mean everything’s gonna work either. You’re still going to need to have conversations and rejig things along the way.
Dr. Catherine Horvath is a registered psychologist and the Founder of the Ottawa Center of Resilience. Her expertise is in clinical work with children, adolescents, and families and managing the effects of divorce. You can read more from Dr. Horvath in our series on Divorce which can be found here.
