Divorce can result in a lot of complicated emotions for adults, but often it’s the children that they are most worried about. How can parents ensure that their children are adjusting to their new lives well enough? And how can parents work together, even after their romantic relationship has ended?
Dr. Catherine Horvath, a registered psychologist with an expertise in clinical work with children, adolescents, and families sat down with us once again to further examine how to adjust to a new life as a divorced parent. As the founder of the Ottawa Center for Resilience, Dr. Horvath is well-versed in supporting those encountering childhood trauma due to high-conflict situations, including divorce.
In part one and two of this series, we discussed the initial decisions that parents need to make and how to best support the children as the family initiates that big change. Now, we’ll take a look at what it’s like as the family continues on and copes with co-parenting.
If you’d like to listen to the full interview, please feel free to listen to the podcast, it is available here.
IP360°: Do you have some guidance that we can get into today around the do’s and don’ts for life post divorce with children?
Dr. Horvath: I think the overarching thing for parents to remember is that the decision to divorce was a grown up decision. You are still the parental unit and decisions about your children are to be made between the two of you. If the school calls one parent to say, “your child got in trouble today,” the very next call you should be making is to the other parent to talk about what’s going on.
IP360°: How important is it to have the two households follow the same structure schedule and rules?
Dr. Horvath: It’s definitely helpful if the parents can share with each other the household expectations and rules they’re using in their homes and make efforts to match them reasonably. It is also okay if there’s some variation.
It’s not realistic to think that you will both have to always agree exactly how to do things, and trying to force it will quickly become a major source of stress. You have to focus on the big things that you feel need to be constant between the two homes. Whether it’s bedtime, screen time, or extra-curricular activities, figure out what matters most to you and let some of the small stuff go. You want to have the leeway to parent and not feel like you are being evaluated and held to some rigid set of rules.
It all comes back to giving each other the benefit of the doubt. Which also applies to when the kids tell you what is happening in either home. Remember that your kids are not necessarily intentionally lying, but kids can say all kinds of things for all kinds of reasons. Give the other parent the benefit of the doubt, pause, and check with the other parent before reacting as to not letting things get polarized by the kids exaggerations or inaccuracies.
IP360°: What if one parent is following the really healthy approach to co-parenting and the other one is not respecting or reciprocating this behaviour? For example, ignoring decisions made together or failing to share important details like those school phone calls.
Dr. Horvath: That’s a common challenge divorced parents face. The short answer is, even if you’re the person who feels like you’re doing your best to follow all of these principles and trying to involve the other parent and you’re not getting that in kind, you still shouldn’t do anything differently. You have to take the high road. It can be hard, but what can help is keeping in mind that it’s not about your ex-partner, it’s about your children. The kids will see that one parent is trying that and one isn’t. You have got to hold the course and get whatever support you need to help yourself be able to do that.
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IP360°: How do parents successfully cope with feeling like the “unfun parent”?
Dr. Horvath: Certainly, you can start to feel a little uncomfortable or inadequate if you feel like they’re getting really cool trips and experiences in their other parents’ home. Try to remember that it’s cool but it’s not really at the heart of what matters to kids.
What matters to kids is that they have both their parents in their lives, and they love them, and they’re there for them. And they’re happy for them. You have to deal with your own feelings and focus on being happy for your kids. How cool is it for your kids that they got to go to Disneyland? That sounds like an amazing experience like that you can be supportive of and interested in listening to their stories. You’re not losing your kids by doing that, and they’re not getting closer to the other parent. By engaging in discussions about what they do with their other parent, you’re showing them that you there’s enough room for both parents and that you’re okay with them having you both in their lives whatever way that looks like.
IP360°: Sometimes there might be a real difference in revenue income for each individual household post-divorce, and this can lead to big changes like a smaller living space or having to share a room with siblings. How can parents manage that experience for their children to minimize a negative reaction to that change?
Dr. Horvath: It’s best to be factual and honest and say, “This is what we can afford at this time. I get that it’s a big change and you miss some of the things that you used to have when you were at the other parent’s home.”
I think being honest about it, acknowledging and understanding that they might be feeling disappointed, upset, or frustrated about this change does not mean you have to feel bad about it. The fact is it’s a change, and it’s a hard change. All you really need to do is acknowledge their feelings, acknowledge that it’s a big change, and that some of the things about it really suck. That’s all kids need. They just need to know that you get it and you’re okay with how they feel about it, and they’ll move on.
This is part three of Dr. Horvath’s interview on divorce and its effect on children, part one discusses the initial decisions and considerations parents need to make when beginning the divorce process, and part two looks at how to best cope with those new changes. You can find the first part here, the second part here, or listen to the full interview on The IP360° Podcast. If you’d like to learn more about IP Private Wealth and the IP360° philosophy to wealth management, visit the site and familiarize yourself with our team.
