Divorce is complicated, messy, and remains a topic that people are afraid to discuss. The complications surrounding divorce increase exponentially when children are involved. There are a lot of factors to consider–especially when it comes to the well-being of the children in the household.
We sat down with Dr. Catherine Horvath, a registered psychologist with an expertise in clinical work with children, adolescents, and families to discuss the effects of divorce on children. As the founder of the Ottawa Center for Resilience, Dr. Horvath is well-versed in the interventions, assessments, consultations, and training needed to manage childhood trauma due to high conflict situations, including divorce.
In part one of this interview, we reviewed some of the important plans and decisions that parents need to make when it comes to their children and their divorce. Now, we’ll take a look at how to best support your children as your family undergoes a big change.
If you’d like to listen to the full interview, please feel free to listen to the podcast, part one is available now.
IP360°: Is there a typical or expected reaction for children once they’ve been told that their parents are getting a divorce? How can you tell if it’s an expected reaction or if it is a sign that this child is now in distress.
Dr. Horvath: Most kids don’t have much of a reaction in the moment, they tend to be a bit in shock and need time to process it. Often, it’s going to come out in more indirect ways. Over the sort of days and weeks following, you might see them having issues with sleep, some behaviour or focus issues, or they may start falling behind in school. They may spend a lot of time isolating, closing themselves in their room, not necessarily wanting to be part of the family, instead talking or seeing friends.
Really, the best thing for parents to do is let them know this is an adult problem and an adult decision. Let the kids know, “We’re here for you and we’re going to answer all your questions. It’s okay for you to have a whole bunch of mixed up feelings about this, and it’s okay if you’re mad at us or whatever it is that you feel.” Create an environment where the kids know that they don’t need to hide their reactions and their experience.
IP360°: How can we help our kids cope with a divorce? There will be changes to the household makeup, living situation, etc. What are some tips on how to make that transition manageable?
Dr. Horvath: There’s a continuum of sorts on how conflictual a divorce is. There are those people who are able to keep things fairly amicable, manage a divorce on their own, and not necessarily involve a lot of professional assistance. And then, as we move along, there are some people who might benefit from the support of someone who’s experienced in divorce, whether a counselor or a mental health professional, who can help. The thing is, your romantic relationship may be over, but you still have children together and you still have a co-parenting relationship. So how do you start? How do you pivot and figure out how to have that relationship in a way that’s going to be healthy for you and your kids? It can be useful to get some help in that department to help move it along.
Then there are the people who spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on their divorces, have lawyers, and go all the way to trials in court. Obviously, that’s not ideal and it’s not great for anybody. One of my general pieces of advice is that, if at all possible, stay out of the family court system. By nature the court system is adversarial. Even though Family Law Lawyers are aware of that, and there’s a lot of really good ones, the process creates this dynamic where there’s a winner or a loser. Once that becomes the kind of the playing field, no one wants to be a loser. Then it becomes this adversarial competition and making sure you’re not going to lose out. It’s really the kids who are losing out because you’re losing sight of what you need to be doing. That said, some families really need the support of lawyers to be able to navigate this properly.
IP360°: What kind of differences are there between going through this process with kids who are 9 or 10 years old, compared to those in their middle teens?
Dr. Horvath: One of the bigger differences is trying to figure out living arrangements and residential schedules for kids. Younger children need a lot more hands-on parenting care and they’re also a lot more peer oriented. And so it may be healthier for them to have a good amount of time between both parents.
But with teenagers, you’re often going to see that they really don’t want to be going between houses, not so much because they’re necessarily closer to one parent than the other, but because it’s a hassle. Basically, they want to live in the house that’s close to their school and their friends, and then go visit the other parent instead of switching between the two.
The concerns are pretty universal across different age groups, but how the children express their needs may come across differently.
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IP360°: Is there a difference in how the children’s peers will react to this news between a kid who’s nine or a kid who’s 15? Is there a difference in the support they receive from their peers?
Dr. Horvath: My experience is that the divorce is fairly normalized among peers. There isn’t a stigma around it, there isn’t a negative reaction, there is no shame around it. It’s pretty common to have kids with all kinds of family constitutions, whether it’s step parents, same sex parents, single parents, etc. My sense is that kids don’t really bat an eye, they kind of take it in stride. Peers are available to talk about that they understand that, “wow, that would be hard not to live with one of your parents or to go back and forth every week.” They roll with the punches pretty well.
IP360°: Should parents set their children up with a counselor as soon as they decide to divorce? Or should they wait for a certain sign of a need?
Dr. Horvath: What I say to parents around this is: overall, kids are resilient. Our goal is to get out of the way and let kids live their life as normative a way as possible. If we don’t need to get specialists involved, then we shouldn’t be doing that. Kids can navigate a lot of bumps in the road and bounce back and be pretty healthy.
I don’t think you need to proactively get someone involved. I wouldn’t do it unless the kids expressed an interest or if the divorce is starting to impact the kids functioning in their day to day life. For example, if they are not functioning at school, they’re not doing their homework, they’re not showing up for soccer practice, they’re not playing with friends, or if their play is all about the divorce. Distress is expected in this situation, but it should pass.
They should work through it and they should move on. Not to say that they won’t ever be upset at different points in time. This is a process, it’s not an event. There will be different developmental periods or milestones where kids will grieve the divorce again. It’s really a grief process because there’s a loss. For example, when they want to go to overnight camp, and they have to deal with missing a week with one of their parents, because it’s that parents week, that could be upsetting.
IP360°: How can you tell what’s a normal level of distress and what’s gone on too long or become too intense?
Dr. Horvath: It’s always good to consult with a professional. Often, it’s more helpful for parents to get their own support and then use those tools to support the kids instead of the kids being taken to a professional on their own. You don’t want to give the kids the message that there’s something wrong with their feelings. If you send them to a psychologist right away, they may get the impression that they aren’t supposed to be upset about the divorce.
This is part two of Dr. Horvath’s interview on divorce and its effect on children, part one discusses the initial decisions and considerations parents need to make when beginning the divorce process. You can find the first part here or listen to the full interview on The IP360° Podcast. If you’d like to learn more about IP Private Wealth and the IP360° philosophy to wealth management, visit the site and familiarize yourself with our team.
