Divorce is complicated, messy, and remains a topic that people are afraid to discuss. The complications surrounding divorce increase exponentially when children are involved. There are a lot of factors to consider–especially when it comes to the well-being of the children in the household.
We sat down with Dr. Catherine Horvath, a registered psychologist with an expertise in clinical work with children, adolescents, and families to discuss the effects of divorce on children. As the founder of the Ottawa Center for Resilience, Dr. Horvath is well-versed in the interventions, assessments, consultations, and training needed to manage childhood trauma due to high conflict situations, including divorce.
Navigating a divorce is a tricky endeavour and requires careful consideration when it comes to your family. In part one of this interview, we reviewed some of the initial decisions and plans that parents need to make when it comes to their children. In part two, we’ll discuss some tips and tricks to managing the fallout or reactions that follow.
If you’d like to listen to the full interview, please feel free to listen to the podcast, part one is available now.
IP360°: One of the common questions that start off a conversation around divorce is, “is getting separated or divorced, going to harm children, the children of the marriage?”
Dr. Horvath: I think that’s probably one of the things that people worry about the most. Often that question is why they’ll stay longer or go back and forth about whether or not they should actually make that move to separate.
What we actually know about marital conflict between parents and the effect on children, is that being exposed to conflict between their parents in and of itself is not harmful. It’s not realistic in any family that parents don’t have disagreements from time to time. These disagreements aren’t harmful to your children if they see that you resolve those conflicts. As long as you show, “Sometimes mom and dad disagree, but they work it out and they’re okay after.”
If you’re in a relationship where the conflict is constant, ongoing, and it’s not being resolved, that’s where we start to see harm being done to kids living in an environment like that. That’s where you want to start thinking about living apart and stopping the conflict. Yes, it’ll be a big transition for everyone. But it actually would cause less harm than exposing the children to all the fighting all the time.
IP360°: What if you’ve been really successful in sort of keeping the conflict out of the house, but instead, you’ve got a lot of silence and are very separated from each other? Is that in a sense that a form of conflict? Are the children gonna pick up on that as well?
Dr. Horvath: There are definitely a lot of couples who think, “Oh, the kids don’t know, we don’t tell them, we keep it to ourselves.” But conflict isn’t just that kind of loud in your face fighting. It’s emotional unavailability. It’s tension. It’s a lack of warmth. It’s two people who can’t be in a room together or are always stressed out. All that stuff as a parent takes you away from being available for your kids.
IP360°: How does a couple prepare the children for the divorce process beginning?
Dr. Horvath: Ideally, the best case scenario is if the parents are still able to function well enough together as co parents that they can agree on what they want to tell the kids and that they can tell the kids together. Sometimes, it’s helpful to work with a mental health professional to help you prepare for that conversation. Work together to figure out the message we want to give and how to do this.
When parents don’t tell the kids together, it opens up a new source of conflict. Then there’s different stories, it starts to polarize, and the kids start to feel like they need to have alliances with each parent. It complicates things. Sometimes, you’re really in a place where you can’t talk to the kids together, that’s understandable. But typically, your best choice is to tell the kids together.
As far as how you tell the kids or what you tell the kids, you have to consider their age when deciding how much information you’re going to give. But really, this is like any tough conversation you’re going to have with your kids, whether it’s about grandma dying, the dog’s diet, moving, a lost job, or any other complicated situation.
As adults, we are more uptight and uncomfortable with that kind of stuff than kids are. We make it complicated by not using direct language. A classic example is when someone’s died, instead of saying, “Look, grandma’s died.” They’ll say, “Oh, grandma has gone somewhere else,” or “She’s passed on,” and kids don’t get that. Then they spend all this time thinking, “Oh, where’s grandma? When do I get to go see grandma?”
Sometimes we’re saving ourselves and not the kids. It’s not that you need to be blunt, but you should be honest, use straightforward language, and don’t give a lot of detail. Remember that the details of the divorce and why it’s happening is really adult information and part of the adult relationship that the kids should not be exposed to.
I’m going to tell you right now, kids are not surprised when their parents are getting divorced. They know things haven’t been going well. So here, an example would be basically saying something like, “You know things haven’t been going great for us. We’ve decided that what’s really best for the family is for us to live apart. And we still love you. And we’re still going to work together to be your parents, but we can’t live together anymore.” If kids need to know more, they’ll ask more. Let the kids lead. You give the basic facts, and then you leave it. If they want more information, they’ll ask. Usually, they won’t want more information right away because they’re gonna need time to process it.
IP360°: In the media, telling children about divorce is shown to us as this very calm, neutral faced, gentle conversation where people are leaning in and all the emotions left to the children. But is that realistic and is that necessary? If you’re still at the point where you’re going to cry when you bring the divorce up, is it too soon to talk about it to the kids, or is it okay to show emotion?
Dr. Horvath: It’s absolutely okay to show emotion and be human when talking to your kid, but it needs to be somewhat controlled emotion. What I mean is if you’re in a place where you’re going to be so distraught by having this conversation that you will become emotionally overwhelmed, and unable to be present or available for your kids, then that’s not a good idea. Because then you’ve got a situation where there’s no room for the kids’ own reactions, emotions, or their ways of processing it.
We’re not robots. I know personally, every time I have an emotion that’s stronger than a three on a scale out of 10 I start crying. It’s okay if there are some tears and some emotions. It’s because you’re human and because this is sad. This is a hard thing, and it’s not what any of you wanted for your family or how you thought your family would work out. And that’s okay, but you don’t want to be in a position where the kids are consoling you or you’re destroyed by the situation.
IP360°: How does this change if your children are adults? College years or even a little bit older, as your children are no longer dependent on you in terms of housing or daily care. Is there still a conversation to have? How does that play out compared to a conversation with younger children?
Dr. Horvath: You absolutely still need to tell them, and I don’t think it’s really that different. It’s the same thing, factual, straightforward, and leaving the door open if they want to talk about it more. Certainly by young adulthood they have their own well developed lives and interests. These days, a lot of young adults are still living at home, so that can make things a little bit different in that they might have questions like, “what does this now mean for me, like at 20 years old? Are you going to expect me to go back and forth between houses?”
At that age they really can kind of decide to do what they want, and they should be participants in those types of discussions. If one parent is keeping the marital home and one is moving out, the person moving out will need to know how many rooms they need to have. Those kinds of things. They might have questions like, “who’s gonna pay for my tuition now?”
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IP360°: Obviously, parenting schedules are hugely important and often a huge point of conflict for couples. What is the most efficient way to decide what’s best? How do you have those discussions? Is it something that you should discuss with your children?
Dr. Horvath: Unless you really feel like you have to for financial reasons, you should not create a parenting plan by yourself. There’s lots of great professionals who do this all the time; they understand all the considerations and are a neutral party. If you’re a low conflict couple and you just need some guidance, it could be two or three sessions with a social worker, but it’s well worth the money. They’re going to help you sort out all the issues because they know what you need to talk about now so there aren’t conflicts later on. I highly recommend that. There are lots of resources online, but honestly, I advise against creating your own parenting plan.
When it comes to involving the children in the plan, you have to be really careful. This can be what can really polarize divorces and make them a lot more conflictual. It’s an adult decision and you shouldn’t let the kids preferences drive the parenting plan. It’s okay to look into what the kids’ preferences are but the phrase that we use in this field is that the children have a voice but not a choice.
That might sound really harsh, but it’s important that adults are making decisions for children and that we’re not letting children become the adults or made to feel like they’re being allowed to make decisions that could be life altering.
The analogy I always use with parents is if your 10-year-old told you, “I’m not going to school anymore, I’m done. Not interested.” Would you let that fly? Would you say, “Oh, great, Johnny, like, that’s a good idea. You know best.” I’m pretty sure anyone listening to this will say, “No, there’s no way I would do that. It might be hard but I know as an adult from my perspective in life, that it’s in Johnny’s best interest to go to school. I’m going to figure out how to make him continue going to school.”
Well, the same applies to your relationship with the other parent. All children do best having both their parents in their lives. You need to know that as the adult, this is something that you need to make sure happens for your kids, even though there will be times where they will not want to see one of their parents.
IP360°: How do you find a balance between an emotional decision and the logistical common sense decision. Do you explain that to the kids or do you just say this is how it has to be? At what point are you over oversharing to the point where it’s just going to get frustrating.
Dr. Horvath: The line should be something around, “I’m open, and I want to hear your frustrations. I will discuss it and take those frustrations into consideration. There are things that are hard about this situation, but we’re all doing our best. Sometimes there are things you’re gonna like about it, and sometimes there’s gonna be things that kind of suck about it.” We do that with parenting, whether you’re divorced or not, there are always things that kids won’t want to do.
IP360°: In a household with a high level of means, a divorce process results in a lot of stressful discussion around assets and division of wealth. How do you mitigate the fact that there’s almost no way that your children won’t pick up on some of that tension?
Dr. Horvath: It’s a stressful process to go through, but it’s really important that both parents make a commitment to keep the children out of the details of your relationship and your divorce. That includes adult children. They’re not your peers, they’re not your friends, they’re not your support network. It’s not their relationship, it’s your relationship with your ex. Even if they’re 20 or 30-years-old, you’re still their parents and they’re still your child. You can let them know that divorce can be hard, or it’s a bit tiring, or stressful but that’s it.
IP360°: What should be your first step when you want some help on starting the divorce process off properly from the start?
Dr. Horvath: A mediator is usually a good option to start with.They can help you sort out the parenting schedule, do the financial mediation, and can cover all the different aspects of decision making when it comes to assets and so forth, that you need to sort out. There are also mental health professionals who specialize in sorting out the parenting piece and what’s best for the kids that may also be a good place to start.
This is part one of Dr. Horvath’s interview on divorce and its effect on children, part two discusses how to best manage your children’s reactions, and what they need from you in terms of support. You can find the second part here. Listen to the full interview on The IP360° Podcast. If you’d like to learn more about IP Private Wealth and the IP360° philosophy to wealth management, visit the site and familiarize yourself with our team.
